I had a dream last night that stayed with me – and not in a good way. In fact, it has been festering in the back of my head for the majority of the day so much so that I decided to confide in you all and why it just makes me so angry.
I have changed quite a lot the passed few years, and a lot of it has to do with finding my own way and leaving the comfort of family and friends behind as I ventured on my own into a city to continue my education, and bringing a child into the world. Before that, however, I was shy. I was that girl that tried to please everyone despite what it may do to my finances or my own conscious and the way people perceived me. This dream, that unconscious part of my mind, made me go back to a situation that still aggravates the hell out of me.
I met a guy (doesn’t it always start that way?) who, even from the beginning, rubbed me the wrong way. He was this self-righteous, god-fearing, arrogant man who could make me angry through just one word in a text-message. From the beginning I knew I should have just moved on to the next eligible bachelor ( ha-ha), but me, as a shy girl who wanted to make new acquaintances and possibly hook a man, I gave him a chance.
He was the type of man that any girl wanted. The one who opened doors for you, payed for your meals even when you adamantly insist on buying it, taking you bowling, and just all around made you feel wanted. Without even realizing I was being shaped, molded if you will, into someone I wasn’t, someone I knew deep down that I didn’t want to be; but I tried, for his sake, to make it work – thinking that I needed a change as well.
Soon, I realized that he was shaping me into this woman who would be docile. Who would stand just a step behind him as he soared and reached for his dreams as mine slowly faded away. He wanted a woman who didn’t voice her mind or speak out of turn or have any opinions at all. I was letting him belittle me, condescend to me, and just make me feel completely worthless, like my thoughts and dreams weren’t of value.
Let me tell you something. I’m NOT play-dough.You can’t mold and shape me into what you want.You can’t hone and fix my personality. You can’t make me skinny or luscious in all the right places. You get what you get and you better be happy with it.
I am not that docile woman that he wanted. I am not that soft spoken girl who fades into the shadows when he was shining. No… No, I am nothing like that at all.
I’m outspoken. My personality is so strong that I even know when to tone it down a notch. I’ve changed from that girl that wanted to please everyone, to a woman who knows what she wants and will fight for it. I have a mouth. I have eyes and ears and those give me the ability to stand up for myself and mold MYSELF into the person that I want to be.
I’m queen with a crown and I won’t ever let anyone think that they have a hold on me. I won’t ever let them think that I can be shaped to their expectations or bow and accept what they demand of me.
I just wanted to let every woman know that they don’t need to change who they are to please a man. You don’t need to change your personality, your clothes, your hair, your makeup style just because he doesn’t like it. You’re not his personal package of play-dough. You form and shape yourself and present that package to a guy and see if he has the balls to accept you for who you are. If he is scared, so be it. He isn’t strong enough to be your equal. Look for that someone who can rise to the challenge and be your equal in every way.