Being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) has it’s perks. This is my second summer where I haven’t had to work, and my son’s first summer where he is old enough to do a lot more fun things (and I now have more energy). Not only am I a SAHM,but I am also a newly single parent who is wading through tough emotions and decisions, about my past mistakes and future choices.
I got pregnant when I was 23, with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years whom I was broken up with at the time, and was devastated. I had my whole life planned out in front of me. I was going to school and doing things people my age do; I was having fun and living my life. When I read the positive sign, twice, my whole world turned upside down.
I won’t lie and say I didn’t consider abortion or the other options out there for young mom’s who wanted alternatives. I did. I considered those options long and hard, because I
was selfish and saw my pregnancy as a hindrance and wanted nothing to do with it. I knew I was selfish when thinking about my options. I didn’t think about the little baby starting to grow inside me and what that could mean for me, in a good way. When I realized that I was acting like a child instead of being an adult, I cried. I cried and cried, because that was when I made the decision to be a mom.
I also told my ex-boyfriend at the time. I thought about keeping this pregnancy a secret from him, but what good would that do for my child in the long run? I knew Hunter would need his father and I knew Mark would want to know his kid. The thing that was the problem for me at the time was he already had two children.Two daughters, seventeen and twenty-two. One of which he has never met before. I knew in the beginning, when first dating him, that we would never work out. He was 42 at the time and I had just turned 23, but I was following my head and not my heart, and things just got out of control.
No, I do not have a ‘daddy complex’. I like older men. Always had and (after some thought) probably never will again. At the time the age difference didn’t matter to me and I enjoyed
our time together. So, when I told him I was pregnant we got back together. I never gave it much thought. I still don’t know if I got back together with him because of our child or because I sincerely loved him. All I know is that with our time apart I missed him. I missed him dearly.
We stayed together another 1 1/2 years. It wasn’t easy and I wanted to leave several times, but there was always something that made me stay. Another promise. Another reason why we should stay together. When I left this time around I knew I had to put my foot down and stay away. It isn’t easy and I am constantly wondering if I am making the right decision. Am I being selfish again? What will this do to Hunter? People keep telling me that I need to be happy first and foremost and that Hunter doesn’t need to be in a family environment where the parents are constantly at each others’ throat.
What they don’t understand, though, is that Mark and I rarely fought. He never raised his voice at me and he never raised his hand at me. There was only one time where things got physical and that was on my part, and only then it was a shove. We are content when we are together, but is being ‘content’ the same thing as being happy? I don’t want to just be content with my love life. I want to have that heart stopping, knee clenching romance. I want outsiders to take one look at us and
know that we are irrevocably in love with each other. I want them to be jealous of the relationship we have. I honestly don’t believe I shared that with Mark.
I made the decision to become a single parent. Being a SAHM will change when school starts and when I have to seriously start looking for a job, but right now I’m soaking up some sun this summer and enjoying my time with my kid.
It won’t last. Hunter is already growing like a weed before my eyes. He is intelligent and ornery. He is a heathen and an angel. I don’t know how I became so blessed to have a son like him. I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know that keeping him was the best decision I could ever make.
My plans didn’t change. I will still finish college, because with only a year left what good would dropping out do? I will travel and get a job that I love. I can still do all of those things. I just have a copilot now. He’s 3ft tall and 30 lbs. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What advice can you other single mothers give me? Am I making the wrong or right decision? What have you gone through that made you the parent you are today?
Forensic Mom Blog 